Goodbye says it all.

Yesterday we interred my Uncle Bear to his final resting place. Even though je has been gone for sometime, I feel his loss as strongly today as I did barrelling down highway 2 as fast as I dared trying to get there in time. I remember just getting past Airdrie and the phone ringing, the complete devastation of finding out only 20 mins away I was too late. Even now years later it takes my breath away. It was a bit overwhelming.

My uncle was a second dad, brother and best friend all of my growing up years and now dear reader I have realized I'm 41 and my family is disappearing before my very eyes. This cowgirl is feeling more than a little alone in the world today to be totally honest, but as I drive home I think about my legacy and what mark I leave on the world.

Right at this moment if I left the world I would leave five amazing people that made their start within my body. My animals, the horse program which hopefully someone would keep going and a lot of years of trying so hard to love more than I hate. Is that enough? I dont know for sure. It sure makes a girl think and want to make each day count.

She won't come to me...

As most know we suffered a terrible loss this spring. One of the horses we lost was Star a beautiful Arabian mare that was my partner for fourteen wonderful years. I was crushed beyond words and to be honest I craved nothing more than to follow them into oblivion.Especially Star.

Star September 2011

 Truly dear reader I battled with thoughts of self destruction of epic proportions.

A week after the last day with my best friend someone decided that the best way to help me find the will to live was to find me a horse I could connect with, one that would have the kind of bond with me I had with Star. 

Nova July 2016

They found me Nova who looks and acts remarkably like my dear old friend and literally follows me around the pasture like I am another horse. |She is a real babysitter and is worth her weight in gold when it comes to teaching children about horses. The last few weeks she has been losing weight. I tried diet changes, taking her away from the herd in case she was getting picked on. Nothing seemed to help so we took her to the vet to have her teeth checked etc. The vet floated her teeth and checked her over and we brought her home. |

There are wolves in our area and I lost both my donkeys this spring so needless to say I get a little nervous when a horse is sick. On Sunday I was off work and I was out getting things pinned down for winter at camp when I noticed Nova wasn't with the herd. It was raining pretty good and I had to run a couple of time sensitive errands so I hustled to town and back and started the search. There are 3 fairly serious coulees in the pasture and we started with the steepest. a million scenarios ran through my mind. She fell, the wolves got her, stolen?  

For the better part of two hours I searched. 

Lily is a Percheron x QH that I bought a few days after Nova, she is sweet and personable and just came back from three months of training with Cute and Sassy Cowgirl. ( seriously if you need a trainer check this girl out) Lily was following along as I searched for Nova calling as I went. Please understand dear reader that as a rule, when I call Nova comes. She knows her name and my voice and is usually at the gate. 

After 2 hours of searching I started to cry. I was sure that my horse was dead and my heart would never beat again. When I started to cry Lily reacted very strongly. I choked on my tears now screaming Nova's name in the pouring rain, very dramatic I can assure you and were it a movie I know there would be a lump in the throats of all watching. Lily spun around and ran screaming back to the herd about halfway back to camp, holed up in the bush in the middle coulee. She screamed over and over and as she did, no word of a lie, my herd disappeared into the bush, then burst out with Nova in front. The horses ran right up to me and stood around smelling me to see if I was ok and they stood around like a protective bunch of siblings as I hugged Nova and wept with relief into her mane. I don't have to tell you dear reader how that moment felt. It is amazing to me how Lily knew I was losing hope and I needed her help and also that so quickly the new horses have settled in and accepted me. 

Truly if you want to know where you stand with this cowgirl you need to count horses then add one. ;) 

Old Dogs, Children and Watermelon Wine

Ok so here is the thing, at this present time eleven dogs and six people live in my house. Of those dogs six are over the age of six some are already showing their age and my Great pyrenese mix, Angus is turning thirteen at Christmas. Old dogs are great dogs, they already know a lot about how the world works and you can trust them with more because they are wise :) Old dogs are also stubborn and set.I have given up on teaching most of my dogs new things or correcting "undesirable" behaviors for the most part. Angus counter surfs and steals the butter, it is just one of his "isms" at this point and it is much easier to simply put the butter away than it is to change Angus. Keeper hates sharing her food bowl so she gets her own. Sundance won't eat in front of people so we simply give her space. They each have their own old dog habits that over time we accepted. The younger dogs are a different story, they have yet to earn the right to be crotchety and eccentric.

Two of the people in my house are my children, Mini Chaos and Tiny But Mighty and I   think somehow we apply the same rule of thumb to them , MC is in highschool now and she is looking for her identity and who she will be in the world and TBM still has to do as she is told because she is still learning. 

I was thinking about this today as I watched my elderly friend stretch out across the couch ( something the younger dogs are NOT allowed to do) and I listened to TBM argue her case for ice cream for breakfast. I suppose it isn't fair but it is what it is :) 

Absence makes the heart grow..... fonder?

Well dear reader another summer in the books... Some of you may have noticed my absence from the world wide web as I am basically as low tech and bushed as it gets all summer, not to mention being at a dead run sun up ( 6 am) til sun down (11pm) most days.

We had some amazing young people out at horse camp not to mention making some great new friends.  I bought a pile of horses this summer, most of which are "someday" horses in need of training or medical care in order to realize their potential.

Fortunately I met Cute and Sassy Cowgirl from K Bar D Equine ( check her out here https://www.facebook.com/K-Bar-D-Equine-Massage-and-Horse-Training-265890410418064/?fref=ts )
and she has been doing some incredible work for us.

We had a lot of helping hands this year including Charming and Bubbly cowgirl, who brought apples for treats and made Mini Chaos the happiest lil cowgirl ever by letting her buy Zeus, a bay gelding the child loved on sight, and Hands of Gold Cowgirl who introduced this busted up cowgirl to the wonders of massage and helped out with ye ol' lesson program most of the camp season.

Mama Chaos moved in this year too along with my brother, The Big Chill, and have been really helping out around the house and with the critters as I start the working to buy hay season again.

I managed to land a steady gig in a retail store and that is going fine as frog's fur.

Anyway dear reader that's the catch up edition, you should see me more from now until the snow melts :)

Yours Truly

Cowgirl Chaos

Too Fat To Fly

So yesterday my very good friend Fit and Athletic Cowgirl came to help ride horses. Mini Chaos stayed home to help out and put some time in on horses. The horses were caught tidied up and saddled.

MC started out on Lily, a lovely draft cross mare who hasn't had a lot of riding experience and has been showing that she doesn't really understand what is being asked of her. MC had a bit of a wreck. She wasn't hurt thank goodness except a few bruises.

MC and FAC both took turns riding Dove. I was encouraged so I decided to take a ride.

The horses I have so far acquired are tall, much taller than I am used to. I haven't ridden much this year.
I am not nearly as flexible as I once was and I was completely unable to reach my stirrup. MC tried three different methods to help me up onto the giant tree of a mare. On the third try I finally managed to get my upper torso across the saddle as the rest of my body dangled helplessly. I grunted and groaned and stuggled and squirmed until I got the very tip of my toe into the stirrup. The stirrup flapped around as I tried to get leverage to push myself higher. Dove looked at me with obvious shock, what exactly was wrong with me?!?

Finally I lurched my quivering body atop the mare and I looked down , big mistake. The ground was so far away ... my stomach flipped as I envisioned the sound of my bones crunching as I hit the ground from the sky scraper sized mare. Suddenly I didn't feel good. but I couldn't just bail off the saddle at risk of being shown up by my younger nimbler counterparts.... I stayed atop the behemoth for a few minutes and walked her around a bit for show, then I eagerly dismounted and untacked.

Getting old is hard. Sigh.

Click.

I love horse shopping normally, it's so exciting to look for a new friend and to meet all the new people. Exchanging pictures and talking about all the things the horse has done. It is one of the most exhilarating processes I know.

The last few weeks horse shopping has been anything but fun. When I call about a horse I feel scared. I try to tell the people what I am looking for and why in a fast blurb then I brace for the reaction. 

Most people have been kind and curious and asked about E.I.A. Some people are very judgmental and say things that are cruel. I have had people ask me if I cross needled the horses ( I didn't) and then call me a liar and hang up on me when I said I didn't Some people have E.I.A. and E.H.V. all balled together. Most people don't understand why the control program is so important. 

People freak out when I tell them the horses have to be Coggins tested before I can buy them, even though I agree to pay the full amount they are asking without question and to pay for the test. People don't want to test because they are afraid. 

The majority of people straight hang up on me at that point. Half of the rest try to talk me out of it or try to convince me to test them later when they can no longer be compelled to test if the horse is positive. A tiny handful happily agree to test once the deposit is paid and understand completely. 

At first missing out on horses upset me alot and I questioned whether I was going to be able to find what I was looking for before camp starts. but you know dear reader as the weeks pass I care less and less about missing out on a horse that might work for us because I never ever want to have to massacre my equine family again. I care less about the people who won't sell to me because the fact that those horses aren't tested makes them Schroedingers horses, simultaneously alive and dead. 

My heart is not in horse shopping right now but it has to be done, the horses have to get to know each other and be ready for other peoples' children by July 1. Wish me luck dear reader, my heart is weary. 

My Saddle Horse Has Died....

This blog is one I have been sitting on since February and for good reason.

I sold a horse to buy hay this year. She was a gorgeous sorrel four year old. Oakley. She was born at my house and if not for the fact that I knew she was going to an amazing home with a loving family she would have lived her whole life with me. I was so happy thinking about the long and loving life Oakley was going to have. I loved Oakley. She went to her new home in November and I sat a long time and cried because I knew I was going to miss her horribly.

Oakley July 2015

In February I got a phone call that shattered my whole world. Oakley's new family had had her Coggins test done and she had come back positive. Coggins is the test used to detect Equine Infectious Anemia and a positive result is an immediate death sentence. I cried for Oakley, and I cried because I knew the infection had to come from my herd. I scheduled the tests for all of my beautiful babies and I waited. Let me tell you that waiting was simply awful. A person can't help but speculate where the disease came from or worse how many other horses have been put at risk. My tests came back and the results were even more catastrophic than I expected. 

The veterinarian from the Canadian Food Inspection Agency called me on the Saturday following the test and told me that eleven of the seventeen tested animals had come back positive. He couldn't tell me at the time which individuals were infected. I can honestly tell you that at that moment I wanted nothing as much as I wanted my own life to end. I was going to have to euthanize my babies, my friends, including bred mares, horses I had owned for over a decade, and who knew which ones I had to say goodbye to. I scheduled a meeting with the vet to discuss the results and I took anti anxiety medication and stayed in bed for the next two days. 

The vet showed me the paper with the results as I stared mutely and felt the whole world crash down. 

Norah and Flicka Christmas 2012

 Tiny but Mighty's pony, the one she got for Christmas when she was three, the one who would only listen to her, the one due to have her baby any minute was positive. I thought about my poor baby and trying to explain to her why her friend had to die. I thought about the plucky little miniature and the way she grieved when her baby was killed by a mountain lion in 2013. My eyes filled with tears and I read the next name. 

Eeyore

  Eeyore my brave miniature donkey, protector of all and general tough customer. He had been my baby since he was six months old or so.

 Star... My soul screamed... God no please not Star!! My best friend for fourteen years, a gift from my Dad, my partner, the horse that taught my babies to ride. Please let them be wrong about Star. 

Star 2014

Three names into the list and I couldn't breathe. My entire world literally destroyed at my feet, praying this was just a horrible dream and I would wake up I continued to read the list, each name shattering my heart like a stone throw through a window. Believe me dear reader I would love to type a loving biography of each beautiful soul for you here today but the grief in my heart is simply too great. When the meeting was done the fate of every horse I have ridden in the last fourteen years was sealed. Quarantine papers were signed and life looked pretty bleak from where I was standing. We had to wait for an official diagnosis before the horses could be destroyed so I made it my mission to spend as much time as I could riding them, loving them and imprinting them in my memory before I had to say goodbye. 

I faced the gruesome task of proving their worth to people who didn't know them.I also decided that they were not going to die for no reason.I learned everything I could about this disease and how to make sure I never have to do this again.  I looked up horses of similar quality to my beautiful babies and to be totally honest I didn't find a single one, because horses like mine are the kind you keep for a lifetime. Sweet gentle child friendly horses with months of professional training. You just cant walk out the door and find that. 

Finally two weeks ago I could prolong my time with them no longer. The CFIA vets came out and started putting my beautiful herd to rest. We did Star first because she was starting to show signs of actually being ill and I couldnt stand to see her hurt for one second longer than she needed to. One by one I held their heads as they left this world, ten beautiful souls in total and the entire fruit of my life's work. 

Lots of people have asked where the infection came from and we have narrowed down when they became infected and the possible source. I am very relieved that the chances that it left my herd are extremely slim. 

I have decided to make mandatory testing my mission. I never want anyone to lay in their bed afraid to close their eyes for fear of seeing the knees of their best friend buckle as she sank to the ground for the last time, or the seizure of a mare who was allergic to the medication, or Eeyore who fought until his last breath to live and looked up at me with eyes full of betrayal and hurt. My horses where the lucky ones. The disease was detected early and I never allowed them to suffer. Animals who are dying of this disease suffer beyond description. The only way to prevent this disease is routine testing and aggressive culling policies. Please test. Not just for the health of your own animals but to make sure we aren't continuing to spread this disease.